Kendall: History Repeats
Wed. Mar 11, 2009 | 9:30 AM
I couldn't get the last guy I was seeing to commit. The guy before him cared more about drinking than having a conversation. And I couldn't get my first love to stop smoking. Do you notice a pattern?
I have a history of liking guys I want to change. So, when the new guy at work opened up about his bad habits and then stood me up, I was strangely interested in the challenge.
When I'm not at a sporting event or blogging about my personal strike outs with men, I'm working the night shift at a call center. As part of our training program, new employees sit with us to learn how to handle calls.
Please let the cute guy sit with me. Please let the cute guy sit with me.
He is slightly sexy with an older, mature look; strong arms and facial hair like Donovan McNabb, whose jersey he's wearing. A Philadelphia Eagles fan, just like me. It was like I was nine years old again with an elementary school crush.
Speaking of nine-year-olds, he has one ...
First conversation. He ends up sitting with me. We discuss his daughter, his taste in porn and the fact he is a smoker. A loaded conversation. In the midst of our mutual flirtation, I assume the mother of the child is no longer in the picture.
Phone conversation. Was that a little boy crying? Another kid. His mother is probably involved with someone else now. After all, he gave me his number, right?
Lunch conversation. Yes, he asked me out to lunch and that totally counts as a date. I think he just proved my theory about dates being extinct wrong, even if it was during the day and he didn't exactly pay. Sigh.
Conversation-To-Be. We plan a date and he cancels without calling. His reason? A second daughter with a common cold. Three kids plus two baby mamas equals a hell of a lot of drama ...
But he smells like the perfect blend of fresh brewed coffee and chocolate cigarillos, and his smile wakes up the butterflies in my stomach, which seemed to be asleep for so long.
History repeats itself and like all my other escapades, I start to think I can change him. Next time, he won't stand me up, he will quit smoking and he will balance his life as a parent with dating (hopefully, me).
Why do I always look for someone I want to change?
Most of us have a relationship pattern we follow by consistently choosing a certain type of person. I choose men I need to fix. These problems become the barrier to any long-term potential. My history of subconscious attraction to these men works as a safeguard for me. It's my armor for love, so to speak.
Are our individual dating blueprints designed to protect our hearts? Maybe I'm really the one who needs to change. Comfortable with our predictable pattern, even after we have learned from our mistakes, will history always repeat itself?
Stay Fierce,
Kendall
Hi Kendall,
Yes, its true--too many women try to change their men and hope that her love, attentiveness (or other things) will be enough to morph him into the man she wants.
However, at 21, you seem to be well ahead of the curve because you recognize what attracts you and the problems that could arise from that attraction.
'Challenge' attracts everyone on some level so that's normal. Yet, while it's one thing to LIKE a challenge it's another thing to try to CHANGE him/her.
In my last book "The Ladies Guide to Finding Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now Online", I devoted a good deal of attention to this (available at myspacetomyplace.com).
At this point you need to recognize each man for who he is and find a way to either accept him or leave him. No one will change unless they truly want to. Look behind his actions over his words. Twitter me: "Flyness"
Your Royal Flyness
www.myspacetomyplace.com
